The title is “Making a Change”. On day 6, author  Cheri Huber tells readers that “making a change” is not going to happen.

We have the ability to experience ourselves as separate from life. We can imagine that life could be or should be different form the way it is. We are conditioned to believe that we can control life (if you were the right person, you could make life be the way you want it to be, the way it SHOULD be). These are illusions, but we experience them as very REAL illusions. None of those beliefs is a problem except that, to the degree we believe them to be true, we suffer.

WTF.  Cheri Huber, if controlling life is illusionary, what are we doing here? Why am I reading your book!? Why did you write a self-help book? Is the purpose of your book to demonstrate in real time that attempting to ‘make a change’ is self-defeating and futile?

Now, this could be simply definitional. She may think that the momentary you cannot control life, but that the you that meditates and makes decisions with long-term awareness in mind can. And, if so, I’m down with that. But she doesn’t say that and that’s a fairly big omission.

So, right now, I’m wondering if this “retreat” is an exercise in futility. If so, note: her solution will be a life of passive resignation, egalitarian value judgments, and unconditional love. No self. And that’s gross.

I will continue, however, as I do enjoy the process. I just hope I’m wrong about where this is going.

In terms of insights and/or awarenesses, I’ve become more aware of my inner voice, the “self-talk” as Huber puts it, that rationalizes putting off key, key steps to long-term goals that simply won’t actualize without their fulfillment. The larger the project, the more prominent the self-talk. Oh, the project is there–looming over my shoulders, reminding me every 15 minutes of its wretched presence that grows with every moment it is ignored–but my confused productive capacity allows me to substitute and escape into some less stressful task, some less haunting to-do, for the time being. Cause, hey, I’m still getting shit done! Right? Am I? No. So why, time and time again, do I do everything in my power to evade the larger task?

I have a genuine propensity towards action, to be doing something that appears productive–at least ostensibly. In reality, it’s a distraction. A better distraction than others perhaps, but still a distraction. Push through it.

• Did you meditate this morning? Yes. How did that happen? I woke up at 7am, the scheduled time to do so, but didn’t finally meditate until 15 minutes after due to a late phone call from my co-conspirator.  Sure, I could have gotten up by myself. But then there was the zzzz and brrr!
• What insights or awarenesses did you have today? Often times, I’ll find my self-discipline in check but act rushed and hasty instead of being aware and taking precautions.

Next step: choose the particular issue “with which to practice compassionate self-discipline for the duration of this guided retreat”. Now, one of my immediate financial goals is to purchase a new computer with lots of RAM. But, reckless spending–mostly on bars and take-out–inhibits that. So I’ve decided to commit this month to writing down every single purchase on a spreadsheet categorized in columns like “bills”, “bars”, “food”, “transportation”, “entertainment”, etc. It’s a pretty helpful spreadsheet with functions already plugged in; ask me and I’ll send you a copy.

Interesting to note that, according to Huber, “It doesn’t matter what you choose. We are practicing with PROCESS, and the CONTENT is largely irrelevant.” That strikes me as quite right as it’s habituation that we’re aiming for, secure from the threats that immediacy brings. And that’s reflective of the structure involved. It’s not throwing a bunch of shit at the wall and seeing what sticks–that process, built on frustration, is chaotic and masturbatory. The process is slow and deliberate, tackling one issue at a time. It requires patience with yourself, patience with your mind. That’s why meditation–which seeks to discipline your thoughts–is involved. Meditation is not the end in-of-itself; it is not the object I am attempting to achieve. I don’t want to not think; I just want to think better. Exercise for the mind.

Last thing was to make a “commitment poster” and hang it “where you will see it first thing each morning.” So it goes on my desktop.

Today’s assignment is to answer the following questions:

What does self-discipline mean to you? What is your history with self-discipline?

Self-discipline means sacrificing the immediate and focusing on steps required to meet real, long-term goals. Self-discipline requires awareness and engagement, and generally being a Nazi when it comes to exceptions and/or excuses. As my mother often asks me, “Is this in your highest interest?”.

My history with self-discipline started in early college, when I developed an affirming outlook on life. Prior to that, I didn’t much care about personal improvement. But after taking some philosophy courses and questioning a chaotic youthful theology and metaphysics, my psychology turned positive and the word “manifest” even became a slogan of sorts. Since then, it’s been a perpetual problem-area with bright spots finding their way here and there. Passivity in allowing others to define my calender appears to often edge out self-discipline. Granted, every now and then this going-with-the-flow generates totally-worth-it results. And I think it’s the potential that sells me. When I am able to focus on getting shit done though, I want to do everything all at once and invariably get nothing done. Building infastructure is key, something I don’t spend enough time on.

But–not to sully the last year of such a formative decade–it was the year of video!

Shooting on work’s Panasonic DVX and editing with Sony Vegas Pro, here’s some of my work from the last year:

• 02.06.09: “I Fought Big Government: Enter the 2nd Annual Sammies” / wrote, shot, edited, starred
• 06.05.09: “Highlights of the 2nd Annual Sammies Award Show” / wrote, edited
• 07.16.09: “Health Rations & You” / co-wrote, shot, edited
• 09.09.09: “Health Czar, Interrupted” / co-wrote, shot, edited, starred
• 09.22.09: “ALT Conversations: Paul Curtman” / wrote, shot, edited
• 09.25.09: Trent TV Promo: Episode #6” / edited
• 12.28.09: “We Are All Activists Now: Enter the 3rd Annual Sammies” / wrote, shot, edited

There’s a whole lot more to talk about, but that should get the ball rolling.

As for the blog, expect a different, broader direction, one that is more representative of myself. So… toning down on politics a couple notches, but upping music, culture, philosophy, and other personal interests.

Incidentally, the same week I celebrated one-year at my current (awesome) job, I also achieved the 100-post mark as a blogger.

Zing!

Wow. What a great picture. I need to get this up as apart of the title header. Someone help…

So, count this as my first post on Blogivists. Yes, me: a blogivist! I love that term: blogivist, an activist who blogs. Genius.

FYI, any post prior to this one came from “Tea Party“. I just wanted to get some content up and since I wasn’t the most prolific blogger there, it was quite a manageable transfer. Although, it appears that there is an import tool for that sort of thing. So use that if, like me, you find it necessary to centralize all your personal blogging.

As far as content goes, it will likely be broader, more frequent and less inhibited than my “Tea Party” stuff was.

Yes, wild times.

So, yeah! Woo! Let’s get this party started.